Swedish Girl In London

London Life: Bright Lights, Big City. Now what's on TV?

Thursday, December 15, 2005

The Christmas Turkey Awards

1. The Saddest Christmas Decorations can be found at Asda Superstore on the Isle of Dogs. Shabby-looking tinsel, more reminiscent of the bovine digestive system than yule-tide jollity, hangs draped over the special offer on own-brand Turkey Twizzlers. To complete the picture, dead-eyed people shuffle along the aisles, buying deep-frozen meals made from the sort of creatures not even Sir David Attenborough recognise.

Some Christmas spirit is awoken by the random shop-lifting alarms, however. It was buzzing piously as I tried to exit the store, leading a friendly lady to begin investigations in my shopping bags.

“Any CDs?” she asked.
“No,” I said proudly – honestly, when you start buying your music at Asda, you have really left your youth behind.
“Any schampoos?”
“Hm, I do have… some bathroom articles*,” I admitted, and yes, it turned out that it was these that were buzzing, surely as a practical joke played on me by the guy at the counter. Hmph.

2. The Scariest Santa Claus in London must be the bony, dealer-type fella who pounces on passers-by outside Angel tube station and jingles a bell fervently in their ears. I think he promotes a nearby sandwich shop, although I couldn’t tell you for sure. It might be that he trades in other little-helpers.

3. The Craziest Christmas Tune is surely that mad Mexican chanting Feliz Navidad at mega-speed to a Copa Cobana soundtrack, although I am rather fond of it. The naffest one must be the creepy “I Saw Momma Kiss Santa Claus”, which made me go right off my gingerbread latte. I have a phobia of bearded men, which is a bit troublesome around Christmas time.

What would be your suggestions?

*This is a PG blog.

6 Comments:

At 9:50 PM, Blogger Zen Wizard said...

Just be thankful Santa Claus doesn't hang the mistletoe from his belt buckle, in the third verse.

 
At 1:46 PM, Blogger Mel said...

I like that Feliz Navidad one too. Maybe I'm a bit of a nerd, but I always find myself singing under my breath as I walk through the stores it's playing in. I heard one the other day that was new to me..."I'm Gettin' Nuttin' for Christmas" by Barry Gordon. It's about a delinquent kid. Seems my cousin's parents played it for her a lot when she was little, and she made me download it the other day. It's kind of funny.

I've never been sure why the 12 days of Christmas includes so many bird gifts. To me, that's strange.

 
At 2:50 PM, Blogger hen said...

Oooh I'll watch out for that Santa as I go past there everyday. I’ll be ready with a filthy look if he tries to cheerily peddle his sandwiches to me. I have also been to that Asda - it was a soul crushing horrific experience then and that was in the summer. I don’t think I could cope with a Christmas trip.

The only “most” thing I have come across is the “The most stupid place to put a stupid stall selling stupid Christmas crap” which was on the corner of Tottenham Court Rd and Oxford St where the shear weight and density people passing, which seemed to be bending space and time, meant that no one could actually stop to buy any thing and people kept kicking the fucking thing over. Silly twit.

 
At 5:18 PM, Blogger Curiosa said...

So is the buzzing "bathroom article" reminiscent of "I rub my fishie?"

 
At 5:30 PM, Blogger miss goLondon said...

The Most Pathetic Tree of Christmas goes to the one in Paternoster Square in the city. It looks like two anti-Festivus trolls opened up the box of Ugly Ornaments and haphazardly threw them on the tree whilst walking away cackling. really, go check it out but bring tissue for tears.

 
At 2:03 AM, Blogger michael the tubthumper said...

the most annoying christmas tune is definitely the paul mccartney one but i had a theory worked out where we should all be really horrible to each other for one day of the year and all be really nice the other 364. is it just me or does that make much more sense?

 

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