Swedish Girl In London

London Life: Bright Lights, Big City. Now what's on TV?

Monday, December 19, 2005

When The Gloss Wears Off

Here’s hoping that I will never school-marmishly scold the glossies for being glossy. After all, if it’s a piece on Russian energy politics you want, maybe you should read this instead of Marie-Claire.

But still, still: it’s time to clear our own house. The glossies are getting so silicone-blank that I start longing for a dose of irony & sass.

For example, who are these women who write letters to Elle? They remind me of the foetus-like creatures brewed in incubators in The Matrix, tapping out inane epistles on their pink Blackberries in the hope of winning a set of Ayurvedic skincare products.

Surely decent folk wouldn’t gush: “I used to think that Sienna Miller was just a pretty face, but after reading your article, I am convinced she is a level-headed girl who does wonderful work for charity?” Nor would they unashamedly suck up thus: “As I was going into labour without anaesthetic (triplets!), the only thing I needed was the November issue of Marie Claire?”

For the love of God, let’s just give the women their freebies and put everyone out of their misery.

But that’s not quite as bad as the ever-running relationship advice, which all seems to go along with the same watered-down Bridget Jones copy.

Really, girls – you have to sharpen your weapons slightly. It might be tempting to huddle around the Cabernet Sauvignon and whine quietly about “commitment-phobic men” – but to what good?

Is there actually a man alive who would mind being called commitment-phobic? Did the accusation “you never call” make Rick in Casablanca cry into his whisky? Would James Bond be the least bit shaken if Miss Moneypenny slipped him a short-hand note telling him he had intimacy issues?

Now, I’m not even a man, but I know that I would quite enjoy being labelled a commitment-phobe. That would make me feel like a free spirit, a fascinating creature flitting from adventure to adventure, probably riding bareback through Afghanistan and climbing Mount Everest alone and still being back in time for dinner in a silk gown.

Because only desirable people can be commitment-phobic. After all, you can’t sit there on your own, playing Tombraider, and fear commitment. It requires the gentle nudging and pushing of a loving little woman to feed you your lines.

Once she’s gone, good old desperation descends on men and women alike.

Well, that’s me off to read Tatler and cackle like an evil witch at the unfortunate party snaps.


At 4:27 PM, Blogger hen said...

I'll let you into a little secret - men are only commitment-phobic to people who they are not 100% sure about. If it was say... Kate Moss they were going out with then I am quite sure nearly all men on planet would suddenly lose their commitment issues - with the exception on Johnny Depp who is clearly a special case which was what you were kind of saying.

At 11:38 PM, Blogger Zen Wizard said...

The flip-side is that if a guy comes across as having NO COMMITMENT PHOBIA, women think he's a push-over and not a "challenge."

At 12:26 PM, Blogger Ant said...

A far sharper weapon for the ladies to wield would be something like:

"You're trying to be commitment-phobic so that you'll appear attractive, but in fact, once you've netted your mate, you'd like nothing better than to settle down in front of crap TV for the rest of your life because you're too scared to go and do other more adventurous stuff..."

It's all just a big stupid game. The secret is not to care too much...

Or commit... :o)

At 3:10 PM, Blogger hen said...

Hey this is fun but who forgot to bring the plonk.. I mean Cabernet Sauvignon?

At 3:21 PM, Blogger Swedish Girl said...

At least the number is right - you have to be FOUR as everybody who's ever watched Sex & the City knows.

Who's going to do the voice-over, though?

At 3:10 PM, Blogger Léonie said...

That was a very funny post, Ms. Swedish Lady. I.. don't have anything to contribute, but I wanted to tell you that I really laughed.

I HATE glossy magazines. Except if they're giving away a free umbrella.


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